Monday, February 2, 2009

Materiality (I'm kind of a big deal)

I'm a proud person. Perhaps I am proud to a fault, but the people closest to me know that I am definitely a proud person. One of my greatest fears in this life is making a complete ass of myself, but I still manage to do that quite often. Yet, despite how frequently it occurs, I still cannot accept that it's an inevitable occurrence, and try to steer around scenarios that might make it happen.

Ironically, I end up in such circumstances because of the very pride itself that I hold so dearly that also causes me to fear being put in such humbling positions. I can be reserved and modest when I want to be - and in fact, it's a very natural side of me, but I feel like I'll be more of a somebody if I portray myself as confident as I can be - even if that means acting like an arrogant douche at times (more often than not in jest).

All this leads to the fact that I want to be seen as important. And I want even more to really be important to people. However true to my pride, sometimes it feels like it's just not enough. People feel like I'm heading off to lofty places, and I believe it to be true in some way. It's not necessarily the "ruler of the world" type of greatness (I'm still working on that), but definitely something that will surprise even me when I finally get there and reflect back to this point in my life in the present.

As I was growing up, I would look up at the sky at night and, with a smile, think to myself, 'I was created to do amazing things. I will show this world and the people of it the wonders of my words and actions. I'll revolutionize and inspire.' Then my mind would wander in silly tangents saying that the heavens, the earth, and everything in between were created for me in which to delight. I was such an imaginative dreamer.

Ultimately, I think I want to be the most important thing to at least one person in this world. It's kind of arrogant and selfish for me to say this, but isn't this something the majority of us seek? It would also be refreshing if I felt like someone was that important to me. I used to be like this to some, but those days and those individuals come and go like the seasons.

And as seasoned as I get, I wonder more and more if I really was like that to those who came and went. If I was really so important as I wanted to be for at least one of them, would they have lingered a bit more? Were they as important to me as I would hope they were? Would such a significance last forever, or would it be destined to burn out like the stars in the heavens and the earth beneath our feet?

I don't look towards the sky as much as I used to in the days of my youth.

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