Forgive me if this entry seems a bit all over the place; it's a fair bit to cover.
A few nights ago, I went on a couple of dates - one was a setup with a friend's friend that took place in the early afternoon, and the other was an evening date with someone I had met at my university campus. They were simple dates, consisting of meals, talking, and one had a movie involved.
As a bit of a preface, I tend to have several encounters with women, and almost always the person I am out with has some quirk about them that usually leads to interesting/bizarre/hilarious results.
These two women were nice and well-mannered, with no apparent deviance that I have grown accustomed to seeing. The dates themselves didn't go wrong, but I found that the more time I spent interacting with these women, the less I felt connected. I guess you could say I was bored, but there was this tiny voice screaming in the back of my head, "You idiot! She's perfectly normal and very pleasant. Why not see one of them again?! Didn't you want someone normal!?" The dates didn't end with anything intimate taking place, but that's of little consequence... or is it?
Over the past while, I've felt that love isn't for me - either because I'm just not meant to have it, or because I shut the door on it (I'm still working over which it is, but I think I'm leaning towards the latter). Am I a victim of circumstance, or of my decisions? I wish I had the answers
I won't dance around what I've done in the past. I played the field. I used women for their bodies, like they were using me for mine (a mutual exchange). Sure, I received temporary highs when I did it, but the lasting effects left me feeling empty and like I was losing pieces of my soul. I guess you could say women were like drugs for me (PLEASE DO NOT BRING UP THAT RIHANNA SONG). If such is the case, is there something wrong with me that I felt like I needed these temporary shots of exhilaration in order to stave off some deeper issue within me? Was I fine before, and the latter consequence of my actions eroding what beliefs I previously held? I wish I had the answers.
I'll also state that I'm not particularly chauvinistic (to some extent). I have a great respect for the people I know and care for, whatever gender/race/orientation they are. Yet for some reason, I seem to label the kind of girl I usually hook up with as shallow and fake (which is probably why I act the same towards them). It only now seems to be bleeding into my mind to label any girl I wish to hook up with as self-serving.
Whatever the case may be, I don't know what I can do with myself. How can I fix it? What's scary is the creeping apathy (or is it lost hope?). Do I want to fix it? Is it worth it? This era we live in is very self-serving and I'm trying to adapt to it. If I can attract those who want me to just serve as a dildo with a body attached to it, then can I attract someone who wants and cares about me - all of me? Do I want that? I think I do? I wish I had the answers.
I'm so used to people using me for what I can do for them, and in turn I have become a lot like that for strangers. I'm used to having problems that I just push aside because I can never seem to voice them (or find ears to hear them). They generally just pile up somewhere in a closet in the back of my mind until the clutter spills out (part of the reason I have this blog). Am I becoming emotionally numb as a result of this and other stuff combined? I wish I had the answers.
I'm supposed to be this solid foundation upon which people can rely. How can I help others if I can't help myself? God, I think I'm so used to being used that I become uneasy and down when I feel like I'm not useful to others. What the hell is wrong with me? Is this really me? I wish I had the answers.
I know less about myself than I thought.
I use too many parentheses...